Trying to score a guest spot here tonight.
Williamsburg’s newest and cutest comedy show, Side Ponytail, is tomorrow, 8pm, at Over the Eight in Williamsburg. Look how much fun we had last time:
All my friends had Lisa Frank pets growing up: cats, dogs, hamsters, all sorts of furry creatures that would look cute on a Trapper Keeper. I had a leopard gecko. I’ll admit, Leo was adorable. When you put your finger up to his mouth, his tongue would poke out and lick you. ‘He loves me!’ I’d squeal, until the day I learned it was an involuntary reaction and not a random act of kindness. Damn. I wanted a cuddly pet!
Vacation was difficult. Reptile-sitting isn’t as glamorous as dog-sitting. ‘Hey! Do you mind keeping these smelly meal worms in your house? How about crickets? You cool with them?’
When friends came over, I’d want so badly for them to be jealous of my reptilian pet. ‘Look how cute!’ I’d say, forcing them to take a peek. But it was always the rare Dunkaroo collection in my parent’s kitchen that they wanted to admire.
I didn’t get my first ‘Lisa Frank’ pet until two years ago: Remy the French Bulldog.
Remy’s got all the things a cuddly pet is supposed to have: Big eyes, adorable ears, a nose you want to eat, separation anxiety, aggression, depression - say whaaaat!
Every morning Remy is treated to some kibble, fresh water and a Trazodone. In the afternoon he takes a Fluoxetine and the rest of the night is spent playing ‘Don’t Let Remy Pee in the House!’ - similar to ‘Don’t Wake Daddy’ but with more urine.
It’s not fair! I’m the comedian. I’m supposed to be on antidepressants and freak out when I’m in public and be anti-social yet crave attention. My dog is so much cooler than me!
Peanut butter has become a huge part of my life. When Remy is on the verge of a meltdown, if I’m not there sticking a Jiffy treat in his face, chaos will surely ensue. Having company over has gone from annoying to super annoying. This is what it takes to keep him sane when anyone other than me is over:
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m blogging in my pajamas at 2pm on a Sunday. But I think what I’m trying to say is, even though they don’t have teeth, I am sooo not ready to have a baby.
Getting an entire train car to yourself on the subway is a rare and exhilarating experience. Every seat is yours, every smell is your own. It’s like snagging the emergency exit seat on an aircraft with less life or death responsibility.
Four months into living in NYC, I found myself alone on the 7 train. Even better, it was an extra long ride from the Vernon-Jackson stop to Grand Central! That’s like 4-5 minutes of MTA solitude!
I don’t know if I’ll ever be alone (Physically not mentally alone. Let’s face it, we’re all on a mental deserted island in this city.) on the subway again. But you still have a chance! If you are lucky enough, here is a list of must-dos for you to experience:
Swing around the pole (like a child not a stripper)
It seems like an obvious thing to do but it’s an easy one to forget. Relive those memories of being on a playground. Challenge yourself! Try to swing around all the poles on the car with your eyes closed!
Lay (or Lie) across multiple seats
Close your eyes. Take a breath. For a moment you are one with your homeless ancestors.
Say out loud what you really think about those depressing ads
The subway is a host of depressing advertisements. Find the most disturbing one and give it a piece of your mind! Here is an abridged transcript of what I had to say to this one:
Me: Are you freaking kidding me, Marie? Look, I’m sorry about your addiction to smoking and everything but shouldn’t it have stopped AFTER ONE AMPUTATION?! This is some sick stuff. I wanted tacos for dinner. GUESS THAT’S NOT HAPPENING ANYMORE. Gross. However, props on keeping your middle fingers.
Take sooo many selfies
Now’s the time to go for it. Kissy lips? Do it! Intense stare? Yes! Work your angles. Don’t waste time choosing filters. Save it for after your journey. Remember your time alone is limited!
Relax and try to have fun
It can be a bit overwhelming having the entire car to yourself but move at your own pace. Stretch your legs. Jump. Pretend you’re on an episode of GIRLS and sigh really loudly. The time is yours. Just remember to sanitize.